Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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