its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
