The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
