I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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