3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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