She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
