I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
What did we do last night that was yellow?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
