So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
