I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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