plz talk dirty to me
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
