forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
