Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
