Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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