What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
