she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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