So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
