You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize