Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
