i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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