I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just had sex bonerless
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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