Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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