I wish I could punch you in the face.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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