You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
