i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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