I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize