I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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