So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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