some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Come back. Shots need mouths.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
