i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize