Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
