I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
