you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
