worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
honey bunches of taint.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
