Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
