The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
