I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
