Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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