Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
