so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
