The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
