Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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