Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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