I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
