I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
