Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
