i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
