At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
