He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
