I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Need sex. Gaining weight.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
