It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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