I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
