my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
