I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
