1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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