one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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