First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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