After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
