The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
