Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize