foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
