awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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