Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
