Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
