Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
