Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
My apartment stinks of burning failure
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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