once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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