I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
