Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
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