i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
