you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
