the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
