I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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